I’m falling behind. I can feel it. I’ve lost my edge. I’m not working as hard or as long.
So what, I’ve gotten up early and handled my online job and worked my day job, gone grocery shopping, made dinner. I still need to clean, interact with my family, and do some editing.
There isn’t enough of me. I’m losing myself in the process and along the way, dropped God from my moments and placed him mainly at the beginning and end, if I’m not too tired.
And still I beat myself up.
Why Do I Do What I Do?
Where are these expectations for others? Do I put these standards on my husband or children?
Of course not. So why am I abusing myself.
I read a post today, it said … maybe your biggest contribution in this life is not something you do, but someone you raise.
Bam. And how have I done in that respect today?
I’m tired. But I’m a good example. I hug my kids and talk to them. They know I love them.
I feel bad for them. To have me as a mom. I’m so busy. Such a bad example of enjoying the life God has blessed us with.
And yet, I feel it still lingering. Guilt over not doing more, more, more.
Another Day Is Gone
Now it’s over… the sun that’s no longer shining on this day and I’ve let it set. I haven’t stopped and breathed in the Autumn scent in the air or studied one of my son’s faces, as they grow so quickly and leave.
I’m falling behind. I can feel it.
Then last night, God showed me that if I was in the final days of this earth that all that would matter is that my children and family knew I loved them.
Driving this morning, I saw a mother holding an umbrella over her son at the bus stop. He was older, maybe 13 and sidled off and away from shelter. I know she wanted to follow him, to extend it further over his head.
She didn’t have to be out there in the rain in front of the house with him. And even though he rejects her offers of help, she remains.
God’s like that. There with the umbrella, or the comfort, or the advice.
If only we’d slow down to listen and mostly, discard our pride.
We can’t do it all ourselves. Not even close.
Slowing down this week, I’ve found more in less, not more in more. Perhaps that is the secret. Give more room for moments and God. To plan less in between the spaces of our breaths and heartbeats.
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Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
How do you slow down or stop beating yourself up every step of the way?