Let’s speak candidly here, right from the start. I was a lesbian for eleven years, then I was single and celibate for a year and a half. Then I got married. I had two kids (already had one prior to the marriage) and three miscarriages. Stayed with him for six years and then I left. A year and half after I left him, I realized that I hadn’t actually gotten away from my past.
While that might seem like it sums everything up rather nicely, the truth is, I’ve spent quite a while now feeling like an utter disaster, a leper among other believers. You see, I left the lesbian life after I returned to my faith and I was certain that once I married my soon to be ex-husband, that I would never have to worry about that again.
For six years I didn’t worry about it. I wasn’t tempted and really, the only person that brought it up was him. He used it against me to make me feel less than he was. He used it to say that he was somehow different than other men who would never marry me given that past. And, I believed him. I believed I didn’t deserve any better than he had to offer. But, I wasn’t thinking about returning to women back then either.
Imagine my surprise when a year and a half after I left him I found myself wishing to return to that old life. I hated that about my mind, and apparently my heart. I know God. I love God. I want to serve Him and be faithful to Him and abide in His commands and walk in the old ways, the straight and narrow. I couldn’t understand why my mind and broken heart would betray me with their desires.