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Suicide.
The very word gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach.
It brings forth a rush of emotions. Sorrow. Regret. Self-condemnation. Anger.
It brings memories of late-night conversations and tears. Sadness for those I know who have lost loved ones to suicide. And overwhelming grief for someone close to my heart who took her own life this past summer.
[Read more…] about Losing Someone to Suicide“Book smart and brain dead! You have no common sense! Don’t you ever think?”
I can’t tell you how young I was the first time I heard those words. But I’ve known shame for as long as I can remember. I had to do and be more. I wasn’t enough. No matter how hard I tried.
But not anymore. Thanks to Theresa.
[Read more…] about The Blessings in Shame, Grace & TruthA lot of things didn’t go as planned for me this week, and I know I can say the same for Heather.
Whether it’s big things, little things, or the same-old things, sometimes I just get cranky with life. And that’s how I’ve felt today. And yesterday. And most of last weekend…
[Read more…] about Remembering His Goodness, Grace & TruthGrandma cut the Christmas ribbon and pulled down the trash bag to reveal yet another 50-pound bag of birdseed. She threw up her arms and squealed “Oh, my goodness! Something I can use!!!”
We buried both of my husband’s grandmothers in April. I just shared with you one of my favorite memories of one of them. The backyard of Grandma’s duplex on the corner city lot looked like a scene from Snow White. She’d even been known to bottle-feed freezing squirrels during the worst of Wisconsin winters.
[Read more…] about Life Lessons from the Birds and Grace & TruthDig deep in prayer in this post by Jaime Hampton
I found a lump in my breast.
I actually had a dream the night before that I stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror and my right breast was a strange shape. When I woke up, I jumped in the shower and just for kicks did a self-exam – and sure enough, there was a small lump in my right breast.
My first thought was a prayer lifted up silently to God: “Please don’t let this be cancer.”
I consider it no coincidence that the day after this happened I read something in Live a Praying Life by Jennifer Kennedy Dean that made me write “Wow!” in the margin of my workbook:
“Usually, what we call the ‘desire of my heart’ is really a secondary desire orbiting around the true desire. Usually, what we think we desire is really the way we have imagined the true desire will be met.”
Jennifer goes on to describe a time she and her son prayed for his football game to be rained out so he could attend the baptism of two friends he had led to Christ. The game wasn’t rained out, but the lighting on the field malfunctioned and the game was called, leaving him plenty of time to attend the baptisms. The real desire of his heart – to attend the baptisms, not that it would rain – was answered with a resounding “yes” from God.
My mind replayed that prayer-in-the-shower. What was my true prayer? What was the root of that desire to be spared from a cancer diagnosis?
One of my biggest fears in life is that something would happen to keep me from being there for my kids. Fears surrounding my children have launched me into periods of anxiety in the past, and have robbed me of the mental and spiritual clarity to see God for who He is. So at the root of my prayer that this lump would be benign is my heart’s cry: “God, please give my children Your very best.”
I want them to…
…know Jesus.
…have joy.
…& thrive.
As I allowed God to peel back the layers to reveal the deepest desires of my heart, I heard him saying, “Can’t I accomplish all of this whether you’re here or not?”
Ugh. Not really what I wanted to hear. But as I let the reality settle in – as I let God in – something began to happen. I think I’ve always had the head knowledge that God was sovereign and could care for my children better than I ever could, but I don’t know that until that moment I had the heart knowledge. As I meditated on who God was and his all-sufficiency and loving kindness not only for me but for my children, the fear began to melt away. And that freed me to praise God for who He is, and to genuinely open up my heart to receive whatever the future might hold… at least in that moment.
There is power – so much power! – in entering into the presence of the Living God and asking Him to guide us in the process of peeling back what Jennifer calls the “desires of the moment” to reveal the root desires of our hearts. And as I’ve discovered, there is freedom there, too.
Freedom from anxiety, worry, and fear. Freedom from trying to come up with all of the details of how life should go or worry that you’re not praying in God’s perfect will. There’s freedom to pray with boldness and abandon, knowing that the Holy Spirit is interceding with our hearts to translate our fumbly-bumbly words into the purest, most simple desires within.
I do believe there’s a place for praying very, very specifically, and I believe there’s a time to pray boldly for physical healing. I think God lays specific prayer burdens on our hearts so that He will be glorified in their outcome, and I believe firmly in taking all things to God in prayer – uncensored. He can take it!
I believe that there are times when asking specifically for things can build faith as we see God answering so personally that there’s no question it was anyone but Him responsible for answering. But this new way of praying – this digging and sifting and peeling back and uncovering – is something that I plan to add to my prayer toolbelt and to use when the details of how to pray or my motives in prayer seem muddy or unclear.
As for my most recent prayers, I am sure the uncertainties and fears are going to creep back in and I’ll have to go back to the throne room and stand before God and let him back in, to shovel off the desires of the moment, revealing the root desires of my heart.
Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4 (ESV)
I am so thankful that prayer is as alive and active as the Word it springs from and the God it is directed toward! So grateful that we will never understand it, and can never stuff it in a box and tie it up with a bow – but that we can grow in an incremental knowing of our Creator through it, and can ask Him to allow us to incrementally know ourselves and our desires as He conforms those desires to His own, so that our prayers become more and more powerful and world-changing.
How about you? What’s been on your heart lately when you talk to God? Might there be a deeper desire of your heart hidden beneath the surface prayers? We would love to hear your story! How do you dig deep in prayer?
P.S. If you’re interested in growing more in your prayer life, my friend Alana and I co-host the Praying Christian Women podcast. You can listen on iTunes, Spotify, or anywhere you find podcasts!
It started out like any other day…
I hit the snooze button multiple times, then finally drug myself out of bed. I visited with my husband who had already been awake for over an hour, taken kids to cross country practice, made coffee, and who knows what else, and then went to wake up the kids who were still asleep and start my morning routine.
Somewhere between coffee and taking the kids to school was when it happened…
I was trying to fix my son’s shoe. His insole kept sliding around, so I was using superglue to hold it in place. I asked my 13-year-old son to hold the bottle while I slid the insole back into the shoe.
That sounded safe enough. But apparently I forgot to factor in the fact that it was a Monday. Or that my son, who I love dearly, is somehow related to both Ferdinand the bull and Clumsy Smurf. He is the sweetest, clumsiest, most awkward and loving 13-year-old boy you will ever meet. Any who…
My eye started burning.
I knew instantly what had happened, I just didn’t know how.
There was superglue in my eye.
Trying to remain calm, I held it open as long as I could so it didn’t get glued shut.
I should pause here and explain… I was born with a rare type of cancer. Retinoblastoma. It causes tumors to grow on the retina of your eye and I had lost my right eye when I was roughly a year old.
Which means I only have one eye.
And it had superglue in it.
My eye burned and everything was fuzzy, but (in true mom fashion) I finished fixing the shoes, and then called my mother-in-law to see if she was free to take my kids to school.
Once that was taken care of, I went to the bathroom to flush my eye with water.
Long story short, other than being inconvenient and painful, everything turned out just fine; there was no permanent damage.
Have you ever got stuck on the "what ifs"? Click To TweetI know I should be overwhelmingly thankful, but my heart got stuck on what could have happened.
What if that superglue would have caused me to lose my sight? What if I would have been blind for the rest of my life?
I’m not prepared for that.
I say that I trust in God, but do I really?
Am I ready to give up blogging, writing, driving, cooking, and everything else “normal” in my life?
The honest answer is no. I’m not.
I am not ready for that.
I know that God would get me through it if that were to become my reality, but when faced with the possibility, it scared me more than anything else ever has.
It shook me clear to my core, and the what if’s left my head spinning.
For someone who has complete trust in God, I sure didn’t feel like my feet were on solid ground at that very moment.
Satan had a foothold and I had a choice.
Did I want to let Satan keep that foothold? Did I want to let him win this battle?
Of course that would be silly. Worrying about something that wasn’t even happening. Making myself sick over a situation that wasn’t real… who does that? I mean… you know, besides me?
I had to decide if I was going to let Satan win or if I was going to trust in God.
When I thought about it like that, it sounded so simple, of course I was going to trust in Jesus.
I always trusted in Jesus.
He is my life.
I just got distracted… Satan is good at that, isn’t he?
But when I stopped to think about it, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I were to really go blind that day, or any day, God would carry me through.
Yes, my life would change forever. Probably in ways I can’t even imagine. But God has never let me down and He would get me through. He would get my whole family through whatever came our way.
No matter what life throws my way, I know that God is always good. And He is always on my side, because Jesus is mine and I am His.
I can say that with complete confidence.
I might have been shaken, but even when we get knocked down by life, Jesus is always right there ready to help us get back up again.
It kind of reminds me of when Peter walked on water. He took his eyes of Jesus and started to sink. He got scared, but as soon as he refocused on Jesus and cried out for help, Jesus steadied him. And He did the same for me.
God is so good.
What about you? Has your faith ever been shaken, or have you ever taken your eyes off Jesus and had to take a moment to refocus?
Join the conversation in the comments below.
No matter what life throws my way, I know that God is always good & He is always on my side, because Jesus is mine & I am His. Click To Tweet
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I am just wondering how much God will allow before we break.
That is probably going to go down in the book titled “Things I Should Have Never Said”. That quote will go alongside other dangerous things that I have said or thought like, What else can go wrong?, I want Jesus over comfort, and How much more can I handle?.
And I am sure that a bunch of other things that you have said are coming to mind right now.
I am currently sitting on a balcony looking over the city of Kigali, Rwanda. The two weeks leading up to the mission trip we are currently on were trying.
The things that we thought would be a hinderance were not, but everything else was. Hard conversations with no answers, children getting hurt causing us to pray that nothing would happen while we are gone, and then the icing on the cake was when our son Charlie’s dresser fell on him the day before we left. He didn’t get hurt because the dresser drawers caught the weight of the dresser, but I will tell you it was scary to see my son holding a drawer of the dresser that could have crushed him.
The questions What else can go wrong?, and how far will He push us before we break? were at the forefront of my mind.
[Read more…] about 4 Truths To Reflect On When Facing Fear“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)
God is good. (Psalm 34:8)
God is love. (John 4:8)
His ways are higher than ours than our ways would be to a mosquito. (Isaiah 55:8-9)
He is invisibly at work in all things – even the ones that leave our heads spinning and our hearts breaking. (Romans 8:28)
These are the truths I come back to when I find myself in a place where things just don’t make sense. Recently, a little boy in a town not far from where we live suffered a senseless, totally random accident. He was killed when a volleyball-sized rock somehow crashed through the windshield of his family’s car. Last year, a family that used to attend our church lost all five of their girls in a house fire. In 2005, a young pastor was electrocuted in the church baptismal after stepping in with a microphone to perform a baptism.
When I hear these things that make my heart hurt, I honestly wonder “Why, God?”
[Read more…] about What To Do With The Things That Make You Ask “Why God?”
“Pray for us?” She asked so expectantly, detailing a little bit of what was going on in their lives. She said she asked because she knew I would.
And she was right, but I still felt a little bit miffed. This was like the third person in just as many days who had done this. Didn’t they understand that my head hurt? Did they not know what was going on in my own life?
Yes, God gave me a heart for others, and yes I believe in the power of prayer, but if you look around, my prayers don’t seem to be very effective lately.
The Unexpected Power of Prayer Click To TweetMy husband needs back surgery and we got the runaround and ultimately denial by workers comp. The injury happened in October, the surgery is expected later this month. I have been having debilitating migraines for six months and we still didn’t have any answers.
We were in pain, stressed beyond measure, and clinging to Jesus for dear life, but sure, I’d pray for her while I was there.
Sadly, that was my sarcasm-filled attitude one morning last month before I lifted up a friend in prayer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my friend, I did. And quite frankly there is no excuse for my sinful attitude, but my head hurt and I was cranky and in all my humanness it came out in all its ugliness… Just as it had on the two or three other unsuspecting Christian sisters who had asked for prayer earlier that weekend who never even knew how bitter I was.
My attitude was sinfully wrong. I have humbled myself before God and repented of my sin, but what changed my heart?
Because I do love my friend and I do believe in the power of prayer, I went ahead and began to pray for her request. Just a humble prayer, bringing her words before Jesus. But God didn’t leave it there, because prayer is a two-way street.
What started out as a meek, half-hearted, obligatory prayer, became so much more.
The more I prayed, the more passionate I became.
God moved in my heart, first for my friend, and then for myself. He broke my heart for her, and then for how bitter I was about her situation.
It was so unlike me, unlike anything I have ever been it caught me off guard. How long had I been letting my pain push out the love of Jesus?
When I was finished praying, everything was still the same as before. My head still hurt, my husband still needed surgery, our bills were still piling up, but God had changed my heart.
I felt renewed and refreshed in a way I hadn’t for weeks.
Even though I was clinging to Jesus there was something about truly pouring my heart out for someone else that refilled me like nothing else had.
And for the record, God did answer my prayers for my friend. He gave her just what we asked for in prayer. I know that sometimes His answer is no, but sometimes His answer is yes. I needed that reminder.
Sometimes God's answer is no… but sometimes it's yes. Click To TweetWe would love to hear from you. Has God ever used prayer in your life unexpectedly? Have you ever needed a reminder that while sometimes His answer is no, sometimes His answer is yes? Share your stories in the comments below!
This is an edited excerpt from Heather’s anthology, Candid Conversations. (Or more like the rough draft of one of the chapters.) While each story in the anthology shares a unique perspective, the prevailing theme is that we all struggle, but there is hope to be found in Jesus. Click here to learn more.
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I can always tell when my priorities are out of whack because life seems to be thrown into a downward spiral I just can’t seem to recover from. Everything seems totally out of control, and I feel like I’m working overtime, yet succeeding at nothing.
Can you relate?
There have been many times over the years when I’ve missed the forest for the trees when doing ministry, for all sorts of reasons, and lately I find myself struggling again. So I thought that while I’m in the thick of things, maybe it would help me and benefit you, too, if I reflected on some warning signs that it’s time to take a step back from ministry to re-assess our priorities.
Sometimes we need to take a step back and re-assess why we do what we do, even when – especially when it comes to serving Jesus. Click To Tweet“I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.” – 2 Samuel 24:24 (NIV)
This quote comes from David when a man named Araunah offers to provide everything needed for David’s burnt offering sacrifice to God. But David would have none of it; he actually took delight in giving to God – it was an act of worship, done from a place of love.
If you find yourself dreading a ministry or consistently feel like it’s a burden, something is wrong. It may be that you’ve been going through the motions rather than offering God an act of worship from a place of love and devotion to Him. If the joy is gone from your ministry, take some time to assess why you’re in it.
Is it because you feel called?
Is it because you wanted to fill a gap you thought nobody else would fill?
Go to the Lord, sincerely open to what He has to say about the place and priority this ministry should have in your life. It may mean that you’ve just lost focus, or it could mean you’re not operating in your gifting or your calling.
I published my first book last year. It truly was an act of worship for me. But sometimes, the idea of becoming a well-known author or speaker seems really exciting, and there are times when how to get more website hits or book sales becomes more of my focus than being a good steward of the message itself, or the “smaller” tasks God has called me to. Recently, God spoke to me through this scripture: “The greatest among you will be your servant. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Matthew 23:11 NIV)
What I heard Him say was this: Live low. Be humble. Wash feet. Wipe snotty noses. Weep for the lost. Pray with the hurting. There are so many needs right in front of my face, so many ways to minister! I don’t need to be on a podium looking down. I need to be on my knees looking up.
When a ministry causes you to feel more concerned with your own success than the Lord being glorified, it’s definitely time to pause. I’m not saying you need to necessarily give it up, or even give up big dreams of God using you in big ways – as long as they’re for the right reasons. But you may need to get back to a place of spiritual prostration (just like I did). You could be the most famous Christian leader on the planet, and still be the most humble before God.
When our delight is truly in Him, the desires of our hearts – and sometimes even our wildest dreams – will follow (Psalm 37:4).
Sound familiar?
This is me right now. Feeling like I’ve just dropped every single one of the fine China plates I’ve been trying to juggle, and am left holding the bill, wondering how on earth I’m going to pay for them.
When God hasn’t been ordering your ministry priorities, you will feel like a failure at everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. That’s not to say the Holy Spirit won’t sometimes convict you of areas that need improvement, but it’s the Enemy who condemns and brings feelings of worthlessness, despair and self-loathing.
If you feel like a failure in all aspects of your life, if you’ve just broken a bunch of fine China plates, it’s time to reassess. You might be juggling the wrong plates (God’s not the one ordering your priorities). Or there might just be too many (you need to get rid of some ministry clutter). Or you might need some juggling lessons (like maybe you need to take some time to pray and ask God for wisdom and seek godly counsel or practical help).
Just remember, even when you fail, and are left holding a huge bill for the shattered fine China, you have a loving Father who can pick up the pieces and bail you out, so you can start fresh.
Oh, this one hurts. I’ve been here too many times to count. I get so wrapped up in ministry of all sorts that I lose the forest for the trees and forget to minister to my own people.
I’ve written about discipling your children and being a good shepherd as I plop my kids down in front of the TV so I have peace and quiet to write. I’ve taught a Sunday school class where we discuss the importance of loving your neighbor as yourself, then later the same day selfishly put my wants and needs before my husband’s.
If ministry is causing you to neglect the home front, it’s a sign that your priorities might be a little (or a lot) off.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind” – Luke 10:27 (NIV)
Our highest calling is to love God. Period. All else stems from that, so when ministry is actually tearing you away from God, something is really, really wrong!
It may be something as simple as needing to carve intentional time into your schedule to spend time with God, or it could be that your ministry has become an idol. Whatever the case, it’s time to take a step back and assess your ministry and your priorities. Ask the Holy Spirit to search you (Psalm 139:23-24) and reveal any impure motives or wrong thinking.
Have you ever found yourself in one of these danger zones when serving Jesus? Click To TweetGod made us to minister! By no means am I suggesting that these warning signs are reasons to quit a particular ministry. But when we see these red flags, I think we can all take some time to step back and assess our priorities and motives so that we’re sure we are on the path God has called us to. Anything else is just going to lead to frustration. When the Body of Christ is healthy, there’s room for everyone to use their gifts for the glory of God in a way that honors Him and brings joy to His ministers.
How have you recognized a need to step back from ministry to assess your priorities? Do you have a story of how you’ve regained the joy in ministry? Share your story!
There are so many women in ministry now days that make it look easy, but the honest truth is, it’s not. Giving your life to Jesus is hard work, helping others do the same is even harder. Let’s be honest and share our struggles. Because even though it’s hard, there is joy to be found in living for Jesus.
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