I tried to write this post twice. I had half of both posts written, and both times my computer shut down and I lost what I had written. Key phrase, I had written. I wrote Heather saying that I wasn’t going to get this post submitted when I was hoping. It was writing that email when I realized that maybe God had other plans, and that maybe I had to figuratively “erase” what I wanted to write.
Let me rewind, and tell you my story, that is really His story still being written. I grew up attending a small church. When I was old enough, I went through confirmation class and made a statement of faith. However, it wasn’t until a few years later that I began to understand more about Jesus and actually have the desire to follow Him. In my last two years of high school I spent a lot of time in my journal, just writing to God. I remember beautiful moments where I clung to who He was.
My story was secure. I was letting Him write the story of my life, and I knew the end. That is until I took the pen out of His hand and began writing my own life story. These chapters were filled with me not really caring about the God I had followed. There were many good things that came out of these chapters, but these pages hold many regrets and painful memories.
Beauty In The Broken
There is the page on the day when everything I had hoped was contorted, and the page when I lived in California and I was lying in bed literally not knowing who I was. And then the page after a break up when I laid down on the concrete in my apartments parking lot and cried my eyes out because of the heartbreak. Pages filled with broken hope, shattered hearts, a distorted view of love, but beauty.
Did I say beauty, in my broken life? Yes. There were many moments when I felt God was calling me to come back to Him. I remember one time when I left a church service on Easter and I could barely stand because He had rocked me to the deepest part of my soul. I remember bracing myself on the railing as I walked down the stairs leaving the church.
Still, I kept holding tightly to my pen.
The beauty in the pages that were filled with brokenness also included something else. The truth of a God who was relentless in His love for me. The truth that Jesus died on a cross, and abandoned the grave. This truth always carried the hope that death couldn’t hold the power of His endless love.
My Life Story Is Penned By Jesus
Once I came back to my faith, after seven years, it was like God erased what I had planned for my future. Although if I am honest, I am not sure I had much of a plan. But just like the scars of Jesus, the chapters that I wrote never went away, but the new pages were there for Him to write the rest of my story.
There are times when I still want to hold tight to my pen. Kind of like when I read a good book, I want to know what the next chapter holds, and want to read through the book as fast as I can! I want to know that the ending is good.
But then I had to step back and remember that His ways are better than my ways. His story is better than anything I could ever dream of imagine… even with all of the unimaginable plot twists! The plot twists that leave you thinking, Did that really just happen?
The other day I was sitting with the girl I mentor, and she was telling me about her God-given dreams. They were so specific. As I was listening, I got a bit sad because I felt like I don’t have a God given dream like she has.
And again, if I am honest, the idea of having hopes and dreams can scare me. Because how many times have my dreams not worked out as I had planned? I have been left in tears of disappointment when my plans, again my plans, have perceivably failed.
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.” ~ Psalm 126: 5-6 (NLT)
I look back on those tears of disappointment now and can only imagine that He was saying over me, If you only knew what I had planned you would have been rejoicing that your plans didn’t work out. And I can only think back in thankfulness because the path that He had before me has been so much more than I could have hoped or asked for.
3 Prayer Journaling Questions
If we are honest, it is easy to want to be the author and write the next chapter of our life. It is easy to have hopes and dreams of our own. But I want my plan for my life to line up with His will for my life. I want my dreams to only be the ones that He has placed in my heart.
Like some of you can relate, it can be scary to dream because of the fear of disappointment. But I want you to do something with me. Open up a page in your journal and ask God the following questions.
- What dreams do I need to lay down that are of my desires?
- Do I need to let go of anything that is hindering the plan You have for my life?
- What are Your dreams for my life?
His plans for your life are good. It is His promise, because He is good.
Join The Conversation
We would love to pray for you. Would you be willing to share with us what God has asked you to lay down so that you can walk in the path that He has before you?